That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
