God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
