Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
