I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
