dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize