craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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