RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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