i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
