one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
what is it with giant penises always finding me
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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