omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize