guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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