he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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