i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
