Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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