I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
