When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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