epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
