He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
