I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
