Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
