I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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