You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
