areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
