our cab driver is having phone sex.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
