my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
