I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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