if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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