You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
