I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
