thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize