I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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