my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
