Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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