I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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