You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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