So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
