Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize