Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
