you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
