Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
