I CAN MOONWALK!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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