how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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