My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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