Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My penis needs a shock collar
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize