one two three fourrrrnication!
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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