Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
