Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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