I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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