I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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