my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
