i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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