I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
