Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize