Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
we're making bets on your personal life
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
