I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I have aggressive nipples.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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