Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
