Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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