first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
